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Pollination Pornography Proves Budding Art Form

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO, CA --
Many an allergy sufferer has endured a season of plant sex – but never before has it been elevated to an art form, and certainly not with the help of motion picture magic. Is the world ready for plant porn? If so, how will it affect age verification and 2257 paperwork?

Jonathan Keats is the mastermind behind the world’s first-ever erotic video entertainment for plants. While developing a ballet for honeybees last year he grew to comprehend how strong the influence of entertainment can be on creatures outside of the homo sapient sapient family of modern man (and woman). By carefully choosing and planting specific flowers near bee hives, he was able to influence where the busy creatures spent their time and what they did while they were there.

Given that plants respond to light and dark, Keats logically concluded that they might also respond to motion pictures, which he believes were “practically made for them.”

Now they’re not only “practically made for them,” at least one has been specifically made for them.

While uncertain exactly what keeps the attention of a plant, Keats decided that one universal topic would likely capture their focus: sex.

“I knew enough about their reproduction process to make an educated guess at what might titillate them – and that was pollination,” he explained to Reuters while discussing the six-minute film he ultimately projected onto the leaves of his subjects, for superior absorption of erotic entertainment.

Like most porn, this one spent much of its gritty black-and-white time obsessing on pollination. Keats calls his final product Cinema Botanica.

Unfortuantely, humans will likely be disappointed. “It is very boring,” he confesses, “but that is part of the essence of pornography; that it is very repetitive.”

An audience of 60 house plants viewed the film this month at the 1078 Gallery alternative arts space in Chico, CA, which Keats has christened “the world’s first porn theater for house plants.”

You don’t have to be a plant to watch the film, however. “This project is an initial effort to bring cinema to the plant kingdom, but also it gives humans the chance to reflect on themselves by stepping away from everyday experiences and looking back on themselves.”

This isn’t the first time that the 35-year-old Amherst College philosophy major has indulged in such an esoteric act. In 2003, he copyrighted his own mind – and not too long ago he exhibited alien abstract art. Alien, as in outer space, not south of the border. Most ambitious of his conversation inspiring projects, however, was his attempt to genetically engineer God in a Petri dish.

Darklady is Editor at YNOT and has more than a decade of experience covering the adult entertainment industry, internet technology, and alternative sexuality beats online, in print, and via traditional and web radio.


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Porn baron faces trial on firearm charges

By KIM RUSCOE - The Dominion Post | Monday, 3 September 2007
 
 

Porn baron and Auckland mayoral candidate Steve Crow is to go to trial on firearms charges, after a judge refused to guarantee he would be let off without a conviction.

 

The 50-year-old adult entertainment businessman allegedly fired two pistols while visiting a farm at Whenuapai, West Auckland, in August last year.

He was arrested three days before last year's Boobs on Bikes parade through Auckland City to promote his upcoming Erotica show.

"I did some target practice on a mate's farm," Mr Crow said outside the court.

"(Police) alleged a sheep had been shot ... but it died of natural causes.

"They had a vet examine it and he couldn't say what it died of."

Police said on the night that if no holes were found in the sheep, he would not be charged.

"It is the last time I'll cooperate with police. It doesn't pay," Crow said.

Crow appeared in Waitakere District Court last week on six firearms related charges, including two of discharging a firearm near a house, two of unlawfully possessing a firearm and two of carrying an offensive weapon.

The judge allowed the hearing to be reported.

Crow's lawyer Guyon Foley told the court his client was a genuine gun collector and had been delivering the pistols to a buyer at the time of the incident.

While he had broken the rules, his "aberrant" behaviour did not justify being "hobbled" with a conviction, the consequences of which were out of proportion with the offence, he said.

"This was a foolish mistake, or a series of mistakes," Mr Foley said.

With a conviction Crow would not be able to travel to the United States on business without first applying for a visa and, even then, might be prevented from entering the country.

Judge Lisa Tremewan said she was not in a position to accept Crow's suggested arrangement as to charges if he was given a guarantee that he would be discharged without conviction.

However, she did offer to ensure a different judge presided over his defended hearing so the case could be argued "afresh".

A date for the hearing would be set tomorrow.

Crow first hit the headlines over his plans for a controversial porn movie featuring one of the actresses giving birth.

Last month he threw his hat into the mayoralty ring after launching his 1Auckland.com party, invoking the wrath of lobby group One Auckland Trust which claims its name has been hijacked.


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